Men's 25 Rules for Women

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Wash your car.

Women’s 25 Rules for Men

1. Call.
2. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
3. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
4. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
5. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
6. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
7. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Yo" are bad.
8. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
9. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
10. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
11. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
12. Two words: clean socks.
13. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
14. Burping is not sexy.
15. You're wrong.
16. You're sorry.
17. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
18. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
19. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
20. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
21. Always, always suck up to her brother.
22. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
23. Her haircut is never bad.
24. Don't bad-mouth her family/friends/job -- even if she does.
25. Listen.

Reasons it’s Great to be a Guy

• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• Movie nudity is virtually always female.
• You know stuff about cars.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• Monday Night Football.
• You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
• Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
• You can open all your own jars.
• Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
• When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
• All your orgasms are real.
• You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
• You understand why "Stripes" is a funny movie.
• You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
• You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
• You can kill your own food.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• You never have to clean the toilet.
• You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
• If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
• None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
• You don't have to shave below your neck.
• If you're 35 and single nobody notices.
• You can write your name in the snow.
• Flowers fix everything.
• You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
• You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
• Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
• You can eat a banana in public.
• Foreplay is optional.
• Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
• You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
• You don't have to clean your apartment if the landlord is coming by.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
• You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking, "He must be mad at me."
• The world is your urinal.
• You get to jump up and slap stuff.
• Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
• One mood, all the time.
• You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
• You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
• You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
• Same work...more pay.
• Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
• You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
• With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
• The remote is yours and yours alone.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
• Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
• You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
• You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
• You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
• If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
• You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
• If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
• You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
• Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
• There is always a game on somewhere.
• Fashion doesn't determine worth:  Men can wear two shades of red--with any shoes.  Women must wear colors that go together, fabrics that go together, the colors have to go with their complexion, their makeup, their current hair color, their shoes....

Reasons Why it’s Great to be a Woman

• You can always get a job in a movie, so long as you're willing to go naked.
• It is socially acceptable for you to ask someone else to carry all your bags
  when you're on vacation.
• It is acceptable for you to know everything about your friends' sex lives.
• You get to team up when using the bathroom and no one thinks you're gay.
• You can let someone else open all your jars.
• You can blame water retention every time you put on a pound or two.
• You have the power to stop clicking the remote control.
• There's no such thing as a beer gut.
• People are scared to criticize your work for fear of your reaction.
• You never have to change the oil.
• You can be "fashionably late" and no one faults you.
• Sex only enhances your reputation.
• "Forgetting to invite" someone to something is one of your best revenge tactics.
• You can wear see through underwear and people think its cool.
• It’s okay if you take the elevator one floor down.
• Crying gets you out of any stressful situation.
• Hair does not grow out of your ears.
• You have the secret power to somehow hold back a fart in public.
• You think being able to drive and apply makeup should be an Olympic event.
• Three words have the power to get you out of any difficult situation: Pre Menstrual Syndrome.
• You can get any man to do what you want.
• Flowers make everything wrong with the world right again.
• You can know nothing about cars and people don't think you're gay.
• You can become instantly famous simply by wearing a T-shirt to a water park.
• You have the power to instantly change your mood by the act of buying a new pair of shoes.
• You can accidentally go into the wrong bathroom and no one will yell at you.
• You can't get sued for telling a dirty joke.
• Watching construction workers from an office window is considered recreation.
• You don’t have skid marks on your underwear.
• You have an average life span that is four years longer than men.
• You never have to change a flat tire in the rain.
• You can't get thrown in jail when you miss a month of child support.
• Your bathrooms always qualify for Better Homes and Gardens.
• You'll never get drafted and told to go to some jungle or desert where people are shooting at you.
• People don't think anything of it when you choose from one of twelve moods you would like to display at any given moment.
• You can ask directions at any gas station and no one thinks you're gay.
• You have a valid excuse to leave work if you have a run in your stocking.
• You don't have to mow the lawn.
• You can manage to do a load of laundry without your underwear turning pink.
• You don't have to wear ties.
• You don't have to "jiggle" when you're done using the john.
• You can go without shaving for days at a time and no one notices.
• You don't have to worry about catching any major organs in zippers.
• You have an 80% greater chance of getting out of traffic tickets.
• Getting really turned on doesn't preclude you from standing up in public.
• You and your dad always get along.
• You don't have to worry when the cashier calls for a price check on tampons when you're standing in line at the checkout.
• You always have the "freshening up" card at your disposal when a situation gets tense.
• You can get into a catfight and everyone thinks its cool.
• You can ask members of the same sex how your butt looks and no one thinks you're gay.
• No one thinks anything of it when you don't call a guy the day after the first date.
• You never had to miss a sexual opportunity because you couldn't perform.
• You can bump into someone at work and not get sued.
• People don't question your womanhood if you can't get your car to run.
• Size doesn't matter.
• You don't have to worry about getting punched when you cut someone off in traffic
• If you feel like trapping your husband, there's always the "do I look fat?" test.

A Women’s Guide on the Ownership of Dogs & Men

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
• Neither do the dishes.
• Both pass gas shamelessly.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the phone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.
• Both jump on you when aren't in the mood to play.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done wrong.
• Dogs don't criticize your friends.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't laugh at the way you throw).
• Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence.
• You can train a dog.
• You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
• The worst social disease you can get from a dog is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.
• Dogs understand what NO means.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs admit it when they're lost.
• Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

WHERE MEN ARE BETTER THEN DOGS

• Men only have two feet that track in mud.
• Men can buy you presents.
• Men don't have to play with every other man they see when you go for a walk.
• Dogs have bad breath all the time.
• Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

Dear Therapy Help Desk,

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend, and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram.

Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Pointers for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

What They Say and What They Mean

Women's English

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