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A Californian's Diary of Their First Year Living in the Snow Country
Dec 8 6 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the
season and the wife and I took our Chardonnay and sat by the window watching the soft
flakes drift down over the area. It was beautiful!
Dec 9 We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered
with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. After I
did the sidewalk and driveway the snowplow came along and covered up our sidewalk with
compacted snow from the street so I shoveled it again. Great exercise!
Dec 12 The sun melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm
sure we will get some more in time for Christmas!
Dec 14 It snowed eight inches last night and the
temperature dropped below zero. Shoveled the drifting snow then the snowplow came along
and threw it back up on the sidewalk again.
Dec 15 Sold the convertible and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer so
I can get to work. Bought snow tires for the wife's car.
Dec 16 Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway.
Dec 17 Still below zero and found that snow tires don't
work too well on the icy roads. Maybe I'll get the wife a new fender for Xmas!
Dec 20 Had another 14 inches of the white sh__ last
night. More shoveling in store for me today because with this freezing weather it probably
won't melt until August. Got all dressed up to go out and shovel (boots, snow pants,
sweaters, jacket, scarf, earmuffs and gloves) then decided I had to go pee first.
Dec 23 I went ice fishing today, but my worms froze. I
was afraid the fish would break their teeth on my bait.
Dec 24 If I ever catch the son-of-a-b____ that drives the
snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his b__s. I think he waits around the corner
until I've finished shoveling so he can come by at 80 mph and throw the snow up on what
used to be my lawn.
Dec 25 Holy White Christmas! They're predicting 20 more
inches on that white sh__ today! Do they know how many shovel fulls that is? To hell with
Santa, he doesn't have to shovel it. The snow plow driver came by asking for a Xmas
donation. I hit him over the head with the shovel.
Dec 26 We actually got 28 inches. I'm either going snow
blind or have cabin fever because the wife is starting to look good to me.
Dec 27 The toilet froze. If you go outside don't eat the
brown snow.
Dec 28 I set fire to the house so I won't have to shovel
that sh__ off the roof.
Dec 29 Arrested for arson and assaulting the snow plow
driver.
Jan 5 Sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service
shoveling snow for senior citizens.
A Coloradoan, a Californian and a Texan were out camping. They were lazing around a
campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle of tequila and after taking a couple of
swallows, threw the bottle up in the air, pulled out his six shooter and neatly shot the
bottle.
The Californian noted that there was still some tequila left in the bottle, but the
Texan replied, "That's okay, we have plenty of tequila where I come from."
The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of Cabernet, took two swallows, threw
it up in the air and shot it with a 9mm semiautomatic Glock pistol with a 15-shot clip,
stating: "We have plenty of this where I come from."
The Coloradoan took all this in and finally opened a bottle of beer. He downed half the
bottle, threw it up in the air, shot the Californian with a 12-gauge shotgun and deftly
caught the bottle without spilling a drop.
The Texan's jaw dropped nearly to his silver buckle and his eyes widened nearly as wide
as the buckle. The Coloradoan, momentarily puzzled at the reaction, finally piped up:
"It's okay, we have plenty of Californians where I come from, but this is my last
Coors!"
(Not everyone is going to get it!) 
- "Coast to Coast" means Port Huron to Muskegon.
- Half the people you know say they are from Detroit, but no
one you know is actually from the City of Detroit.
- You have ever experienced three weeks straight with no
sun.
- You can identify an Ohio accent.
- Your kid's Little League game has ever been snowed out.
- You learned to drive a boat or a snowmobile before you
learned how to ride a bike.
- You've ever gotten frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
- Half of the change in your pocket is Canadian.
- A Coke is a "pop" and a small stream is a
"crick."
- You think the alkaline battery was named after the
ex-Tiger right fielder.
- The biggest holiday of the year is the opening day of deer
hunting season.
- You own a cabin on a lake where it's too cold to stay 10
months of the year.
- "Thumb" is a geographic term, not part of the
anatomy, and you use your hand to show people where you live.
- You've ever used a snowmobile as transportation to a bar
-- and were asked by the bartender to leave your 30-30 outside.
- The town at the south end of Lake Huron is pronounced
"Porchurn" or "PortUrine" depending on which side of the crick you're
from.
- You own only three spices - salt, pepper and
ketchup.
- You design Halloween costumes to fit over a
snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes get filled with ice.
- You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter,
Almost Winter, and Construction.
- There are only two kinds of vacations -- Florida in the
winter or "Up North" in the summer.
More than three dogs live under your
front porch.
More than three raccoons/possums/skunks
live under your back porch.
Your back porch rotted and collapsed seven
years ago.
You think you've "made it"
because you now have a double-wide. With indoor plumbing.
The most prominent artwork in your home
are pictures of Elvis and Dolly.
You have a stuffed animal in your
home--extra points if it was your favorite Retriever.
Your windows are covered with Visqueen
plastic film. Then sealed with Duct tape for extra protection.
Your roof is covered with Visqueen. And has been since
1974.
You've ever mowed the lawn and found an engine from a '64
Plymouth. The rest of the Plymouth has been in your front yard for 11 years waitin'
for a motor.
Most of your home projects require duct
tape, WD-40 and a torque wrench.
Your wife has ever asked you to get the
transmission out of the kitchen because she wants to mop this month.
Your truck has at least three of the following items:
- air horn
- long horns
- running lights
- chrome exhaust stacks
- a rag for a gas cap
- a gun rack WITH a gun
- a foot-shaped gas pedal
- your initials on the door
Your truck bed contains at least two of the following
items:
- Dogs
- Kids
- Beer cans
- Ammunition casings
Rusty engine parts
Your truck costs more than your last year's income.
You have a choice of where to dry your laundry and you
STILL hang it out in the front yard.
Most of your shirts have the sleeves cut off.
You've had cousins in your family marry within the last
three generations.
You're not sure what the last three generations are
because your grandfather married his niece.
You consider bass fishing to actually be a sport and bass
fisherman to be athletes.
Fishing and bowling are the only two "sports"
you've ever participated in.
You watch fishing and bowling on TV.
You think that when a woman is "out
of your league" it means she bowls on a different night.
You watched Nascar racing before it got popular.
You ate catfish before it got popular.
Your unemployment check isn't enough to get your teeth
fixed, but you still pay for cable TV.
You look worse than Willie Nelson.
You have friends (other than hockey players) with missing
front teeth. One is named Clem.
You think those boys in the canoe in
"Deliverance" got what they deserved.
You can't believe "Smokey and the Bandit" didn't
win an Academy Award.
You helped your uncle move into his new home by putting
blocks under it and taking off the wheels.
Vacation planning means deciding between
Dollywood and Akron for that big bowlin' tournament.
You've ever barbecued Spam.
You have flowers planted in your front yard in a bathroom
appliance.
You have two brothers named Bubba and Junior, and a sister
named Darla.
You've been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
You can't marry your current sweetheart
'cause there's a law against it.
Anyone in your family ever died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
Your hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling
fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You think "loaded dishwasher"
means your wife is drunk again.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your
house exploded right off its wheels.
You have to go outside to get something
from the 'fridge.
Your kids morning before school routine is to
first, have a cigarette and a Pop Tart, then feed their own children.
Your junior prom had a daycare.
If it ain't fried you don't eat it.
You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
No, I just couldn't. She's only 16.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up. It's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Do you think my hair is too big?
No biscuits and gravy for me, I’ll have grapefruit.
Who is Richard Petty?
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll just have the salad bar.
No sugar in my ice tea.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Those Little Debbie snack cakes have too much fat.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
This chicken is too greasy.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
- I've lived in California all my life. And I'm going to
retire here.
- The cost of living is not a problem. I'm surprised
we don't have to pay more taxes to live here.
- I’ll take the large bag of Pork Rinds and a Bud.
- How can we encourage more growth in this town?
- BMW’s are just Yuppie status symbols.
- They really overbuilt that freeway. There’s hardly
ever anybody on it.
- My old Schwinn is just fine. Who needs a titanium
mountain bike?
- I’m happy with being a waitress. I have no plans to
be an actress or be in wine marketing.
- I’m making $40k now. That’s enough for anybody.
- I never shop at Pendleton or Eddie Bauer. And Macy's
is too expensive. I buy all my clothes at Sears.
- I don’t like Starbucks coffee. I prefer Yuban.
- Convertibles are impractical.
- I don’t own a computer and don’t need one.
- We’re still living in our first house and have no
plans to "move up."
- I love Los Angeles.
- Harleys are too loud.
- I’ve never been on the Internet.
- It's only a half-mile away. Let's walk.
- What’s with these fancy Sonoma salad greens? Why
can’t I just get some Iceberg lettuce with 1000 Island dressing?
- I don't know anyone who's moved to Oregon or Colorado.
- Let’s go to the Midwest for vacation this year.
- I’m tired of Palo Alto: Big house, sunny, warm
weather, Jaguar, cell phone, fancy restaurants. Maybe I should take that job transfer to
New Jersey.
- $60 jeans are a waste of money.
- It hasn’t rained in four months. I’m sick of
this unmerciful sun.
- Let’s skip the $25 Chardonnay and have a Bud with
dinner.
- Who is Jerry Garcia?
The following advisory for American
travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State
Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites
that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.
General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country
situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community,
though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland
and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among
its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air
conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in
speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country,
watch your change at all times.
The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of
whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their
behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have
girl’s names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear
baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though
travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the
French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life
for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel
has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.
Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government: The French form of government is democratic but
noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament
consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the
ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be
trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupation is setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.
Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it
is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of
course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it,
a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general,
travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and
Holiday Inn.
Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only
to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are
not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads
with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the
economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments
and cheese.
Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation
in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he
Won the War single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back
from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other
important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte
Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and
varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is
not Germany.
A word of warning: The consular services of the United States
government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses
such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the
victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the
American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a
consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of
qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always
take our holidays in Orlando, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.
If you're a redneck you need to know about these sites.
But if you are really a redneck what the hell are you doin' on a computer?
If states were required to live up to Truth in Advertising
laws...
| Alabama |
At Least We're
Not Mississippi |
| Alaska |
11,623 Eskimos
Can't be Wrong! |
| Arizona |
But it's a Dry
Heat |
| Arkansas |
Litterasy Ain't
Everthang |
| California |
Land of
Immigrants and Emigrants |
| Colorado |
Don't ski? Don't
Bother. |
| Connecticut |
Like
Massachusetts, Only Dirtier |
| Delaware |
We Bet You Can't
Find Us on a Map |
| Florida |
Ask Us about Our
Grandkids |
| Georgia |
We Welcome
Carpetbaggers, Just Don't Leave Atlanta |
| Hawaii |
Haka Tiki Mou
Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) |
| Idaho |
Diversity! |
| Illinois |
Don't Pronounce
the "S", damnit |
| Indiana |
Just East of
IllinoiSS, You Can't Miss It |
| Iowa |
We Do Amazing
Things with Corn |
| Kansas |
First of the
Rectangle States |
| Kentucky |
Five Million
People; Fifteen Last Names |
| Louisiana |
We're all
Partyin' Cajuns, At Least That's Our Tourism Campaign |
| Maine |
It's Cold, But We
Have Cheap Lobster |
| Maryland |
We Let Our State
Police Tell Us What to Do |
| Massachusetts |
Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's (for many tax brackets) |
| Michigan |
Our State Mineral
is Rust |
| Minnesota |
10,000 Lakes;
10,000,000 Mosquitoes |
| Mississippi |
Come Feel Better
About Your Own State |
| Missouri |
Your Federal
Flood Insurance Tax Dollars at Work |
| Montana |
Land of the Big
Sky, Snow, the Unabomber, Snow, Strip Mines and Snow |
| Nebraska |
Eat corn and beat
Oklahoma. That's all that matters. |
| Nevada |
Hookers and
Poker! |
| New Hampshire |
Go away and Leave
Us Alone |
| New Jersey |
Ya Wanna ##$%##!
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto! |
| New Mexico |
We ARE Part of
the U.S., You're Thinking of Old Mexico |
| New York |
It's Not Just
NYC, We've Got Buffalo, Too |
| North Carolina |
Tobacco is a
Vegetable |
| North Dakota |
Gateway to
Winnipeg |
| Ohio |
It's Worth it
Just for the College Football Season |
| Oklahoma |
Like the Play,
only No Singing |
| Oregon |
Spotted Owl...
It's what's For Dinner |
| Pennsylvania |
Our State
Troopers are Worse than Maryland's |
| Rhode Island |
Size isn't
Everything |
| South Carolina |
Remember the
Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender |
| South Dakota |
Closer (and
warmer) than North Dakota |
| Tennessee |
The Educashun
State |
| Texas |
Si' Hablo Ing'les |
| Utah |
Our Jesus Is
Better Than Your Jesus |
| Vermont |
Yep, shore is
cold aht |
| Virginia |
Where Bureaucrats
and Local Yokels Come Together |
| Washington |
Help! We're
Overrun By Nerds and Californians! |
| West Virginia |
Yes, we have
electricity. And indoor plumbing! |
| Wisconsin |
Eat Cheese or Die |
| Wyoming |
Like Kansas, But
Not So Flat |
Issued by the Southern
Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta
primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast
24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them,
they'll kick your butt.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names
(Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your butt.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a
can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying
damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a
Coke.
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an butt kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us
are more literate than you (Faulkner, etc.). We are also better educated
and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or
we'll kick your butt.
5) We have plenty of business sense
(e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MTV, Netscape).
Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Duke,
Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough
to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If
someone tried to do that, we would kick her butt.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War
monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at
Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes
to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and
complain about the carving, we'll kick your butt.
7) We are fully aware of how high the
humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell
out of here, or we'll kick your butt.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker
Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your
biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your
grits, or we'll kick your butt.
9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This
will incite a riot, and you will get your butt kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better
things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited
Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to
prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move
your butt on home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper
English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other
Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters.
Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your butt.
12) Don't complain that the South is
dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all the way
back to Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern
manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people.
Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or
they'll kick some manners into your butt just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or
losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like
New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your butt.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE
to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt
shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at
all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . .
minus your butt!
Martha
Stewart's Etiquette for RednecksNever take a beer
to a job interview unless you bring one for the interviewer, too.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to
church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in
the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no
matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, use
your OWN truck keys.
When dating (outside the family) always offer
to bait your date's hook.
When you first meet a date's parents it's not
polite to mention you got her number from a bathroom wall.
When dating it's important to establish with
her parents what time she is expected back. If they say "Monday," it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may
get you shot.
Though uncomfortable, socks and shoes should be
part of your wedding attire, especially if you're in the wedding party. And, please,
no bowling shirts, even if your team took first place.
You should remove your toothpick for your
wedding pictures.
It is impolite to let your
twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her
kids.
When approaching a four-way stop the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right-of-way.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
You
Just Might be a Yankee If ...
- You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
- You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
- You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce."
- For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
- You don't know what a moon pie is.
- You've never had an RC cola.
- You've never eaten okra. You don't even know what okra looks like.
- You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
- You've never seen a live chicken, let alone own some.
- You have no idea what a polecat is.
- You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
- You don't have bangs.
- You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
- You're ashamed because a member of your family has been kicked out of a prep school in
Connecticut.
- You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing
show.
- Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you
guys," even if both of them are women.
- You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
- You have never planned your summer vacation around a Nascar race.
- You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than
to pay the salary of the head football coach.
- You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
- You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and
stopping.
- You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy
Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
- You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
- You've never been to a craft show or a gun show.
- You can do your laundry without quarters.
- None of your fur coats are homemade.
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