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What They are Saying on the Internet Automobile Forums

The typical post goes something like this...

Mercedes forum
- My wife and her a-hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Bentley Forums
- I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang forums
-Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
-Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
-Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- Are gas prices going down any time soon?

Pontiac Fiero forum
- Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Buick Forum
- Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- How come people don't never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia.  Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar
- Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mini
- Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLarean F1 forum
-Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer?  He's 25 miles away.  That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

• You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
• You take your helmet along when you go to a car dealership for a test-drive.
• Every time you go to the grocery store you feel compelled to beat your previous best time.
• When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
• When you hear 'overcooked it,' instead of food you think 'off the track.'
• You change engine oil every other week. You check tire pressures every other day.
• You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind how to drive around a highway off-ramp.
• You once had an argument with your wife over whether you should pay the mortgage on time or get those new heads while they were on sale.
• You push you cart through a proper line in the grocery store.
• You've paid $4.00 a gallon for gas without complaining.
• You bought a tow vehicle instead of braces for your kid.
• You and your wife go house hunting and you never actually get inside the house because you're checking out the garage for 220v.
• You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.
• Your wife doesn't understand why you need three sets of tires for your car.
• Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
• You have car parts in your cubicle at work.
• You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
• You're registered for wedding gifts with Edelbrock and Griggs.
• Your Christmas list begins with another set of BFG R1s and aluminum rack bushings and your 'significant other' knows what these are.
• Your home library consists of auto parts catalogs, books written by F1 drivers, anything about Carroll Shelby, and 400 car magazines.
• People know you by your car number or your "offs" -- "Oh, you were the one stuck in the mud in Turn 5 last weekend!"
• Your first date involves asking her to crew for you.
• Your friends have never seen your hair actually combed.   They only know it's color as "greasy."
• Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.
• You complain when cars in front of you on highway off-ramps don't stay on the line, causing your exit speed to drop.
• A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Corn."
• You refer to the corner down the street from your house as "Turn One."
• You always late apex the intersection and try to pass a few cars coming out.
• You can't stand anyone telling others how to drive. Of course, you are the best.
• You can't stand understeer.
• You will gladly pay up to $8 for a quart of engine oil.
• You hate long distance driving vacations, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
• You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can't drive.
• You save broken car parts as " mementos".
• You've tried synthetic oil and racing gas in your lawn mower.
• You've tweaked your riding lawn mower trying to improve its cornering ability.
• Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips.
• You would choose a rollbar over air conditioning if it were an option.
• You enjoy driving through wet, empty parking lots using the Emergency Brake to turn.
• You spend more on insurance premiums than on food.
• When someone asks where you went to school, you reply, "Skip Barber".
• You have racing shops programmed on your speed dialer.
• You own five cars and only one of them is street legal.
• You know the "racing line" of every turn in your daily commute.
• You've slalomed in a construction zone, and counted your penalty time in the rearview mirror afterwards.
• After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on your vacation she answers: "Why, is there a race there?"

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

• Damn it, you made me spill my beer!
• Honestly sir, I was trying to open my bag of crack when my gun fell and jammed the accelerator down.
• Got change for a hundred?
• Hey I know you, can I have your autograph?
• Darn, I thought that I was heading AWAY from Dunkin doughnuts
• Not again
• Whatever it was I didn't do it.
• Sorry I was speeding, your wife said to hurry on over!
• You aren't going to look in the trunk are you?
• Uh, could you hold my beer while I get my license?
• Jeez officer, you must have really been flyin' to catch me!
• Bad Cop, No Donut!
• Hi there Barney! How's Mayberry, Opie and Andy?
• You call THAT a handgun? Check THIS out..
• Make this fast, I've got to get the beer back to the party before it gets warm.

• The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull into their bay.
• You can't drive your car in the rain.
• Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.
• You are afraid to drive your car.
• You spend more on tires than on food.
• You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
• You see a picture of your car taped to the bulletin board at your local police station.
• You have to go to the track to buy gas.
• Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
• You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.
• You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."
• You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.
• You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.
• Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.
• You need parachute braking.
• Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.
• There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.
• Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened
• Fuel is delivered to your home in 55 gallon drums.
• You wear earplugs in your car.
• You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph.
• Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline.
• Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.
• Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.
• You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

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