Female Jokes
First Woman:  "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
                have an orgasm."
Second Woman: "You poor dear!  Are you taking anything for that?"
First Woman:  "Snuff."

   Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
to them and displayed his endowments.  The first old lady had a stroke,
the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too
short to reach.

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
       You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
       The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

What's the difference between a job and a wife?
       After five years, the job still sucks.

Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.

What's a cunt that talks back?
       An answering cervix.

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
       Mikey ... He'll eat anything.

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
       A spermicidal maniac.

Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
      A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob

Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word  attic  out loud.

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
      Sends him to work.

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
       Her feet!

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the
third says, "She is a 1."  The other two look at him and wonder.  Another
woman walks by.  The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give
her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three."  Again the first two men wonder
about him.  Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches.  The first man
says, "She is a 10!"  The second man says, "She is an 11!!"  The third guy
says, "She is a six."  The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the
matter with you, man??  That redhead is perfect!!  Are you weird or
something??"
     "Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."
     "What the hell is that?"
     "That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

        This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women.  He couldn't make up his mind on which
one he should marry, so he tested them.  He gave each woman $5,000
to see what they would spend it on.  The first woman went out, bought
furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.  The second woman
put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.  The
third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
man.
        Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
married?

answer:         The woman with the biggest tits, of course!

Chemical Analysis

Element    : Woman
Symbol     : WO
Discoverer : Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 
             25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
           energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
                     nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally 
                     unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
                     if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from 
                     virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted 
                     by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the 
                     specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed 
                     artificially so well that the change is indiscernable 
                     except to the experienced eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the 
                     crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left 
                     alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
                     desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such
                     as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst
                     is often required (must say that you love her at least 5
                     times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when 
                     in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. 
                     Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
                     pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
                     The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely 
      nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. 
       Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly 
         explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
         care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more
         than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
         permitted.

        Banana Loaf
        -----------

      2 laughing eyes
      2 bowing arms
      2 well-shaped legs
      2 firm milk containers
      1 fur-lined mixing bowl
      1 banana

   Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
   massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased.  Check
   frequently with middle finger.  Add banana and gently work in and out until
   creamed.  Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief.  Bread is
   done when banana is soft.  Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
   the bowl.

   WARNING:  If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

Joe: I got a problem.
Ed:  What's the matter?
Joe: Women.  I just don't understand them.
Ed:  Do you understand your TV?
Joe: No.
Ed:  So what's the problem?!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in,
       One to complain about how the socket is being exploited,
       and one to secretly wish she was the socket.

How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to change it,
       One to support her by holding the ladder,
       One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the word "screw".

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