Microsoft Meets the Borg, author unknown


"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"

[Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"

[Data turns to answer.] "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard] "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data] "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a
new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources
increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions."

[Picard] "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the
Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
available resources.  However, we have not received any confirmation
of the expected `upgrade'."

[Geordi] "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed."

[Data] "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
`upgrade'.  Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards."

[Riker] "Captain, we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F ...."

[Geordi, excited] "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0% !"

[Picard] "Data, what does your scanners show?"

[Data, studying displays] "Appearently the Borg have found the
internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all
available CPU capacity."

[Picard] "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce
their functionality."

. . .  Two Hours Pass  . . .

[Riker]  "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

[Geordi] "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something
called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.

[Picard] "How much time will that buy us?"

[Data] "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours."

[Geordi]  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

[Picard]  "Identify."

[Data] "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo..."

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT

FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."

[Data]  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

[Picard]  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

[Riker] "My God, captain!  Those are human beings floating straight
toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits!  How can they
survive the tortures of deep space?!"

[Data] "I don't believe that those are humans, sir.  If you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits."

[Riker and Picard, together -  horrified]  "Lawyers!!"

[Geordi] "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

[Data] "True, but appearently some must have survived."

[Riker] "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
often proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard] "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch.  Even the
Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"

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