STAR TREK XIII:
THE OLD SERIES
THE NEXT GENERATION
CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 14111.7:
We are investigating a strange variable naked singularity which has just
reappeared after a 75 year absence. The last such mission to study this
phenomenon was the original Enterprise under the command of James Kirk.
It is imperative that we find out why it has returned and just what
causes these apparent violations of the laws of physics...
Picard: Data, status of that..."thing."
Data: Sir, if by thing you mean the singularity, sensors indicate that it
is growing more unstable at this time.
Picard: Hmm...suggestions, anyone?
Yar: Photon torpedoes armed and ready, Captain! Just one good shot--
Worf: I'm a Klingon, sir. Respectfully submit we cease this wasteful
pandering and go find another alien culture to conquer- er, enlist in
Troi: I'm getting nothing from it, sir. Whatever it is, it won't help
Wes: Of course! If I modify the output from the warp engines--
Picard: Shut up, Wesley! That's enough! What about you, number one?
Riker: Are you asking me to confirm what you've already decided, Sir? Why,
we'll stay and investigate, of course. (looks eager)
LaForge: Sir, I'm "seeing" all sorts of new, strange activity across the
spectrum, infra-red, microwave, and radio.
Data: Sensors indicate gravitational field intensity increasing!
Picard: What the...?
Data: Captain, we are being pulled in...
(PLACE COMMERCIAL HERE....)
CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE 3714.2
The Enterprise has been delayed while relaying emergency vaccines to plague-
ridden Cyron IV by the appearance of a naked singularity. First officer
Spock is leading the investigation.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim! We've got to get that vaccine to the rendezvous in
two days or billions will die!
Spock (looking up from peep show viewer): Two days, one hour, sixteen
minutes, and seven seconds, Doctor.
McCoy: Blast it, Spock, I'm a doctor, not a cuckoo clock!
Kirk: Gentlemen, please. We'll get that vaccine there, Bones. The
rendezvous with the Yorktown is only a day away at Warp 8.
[voice through intercom]: I heard that! She canna take the strain, Captain.
Warp 6 maybe, but only if we were fresh out of spacedock...
Kirk (flashing a winning grin at no one in particular): Take it easy,
Scotty! You can do it, or you're fired.
[voice]: Aye, sir...
Spock (looks into viewer): Captain, I'm picking up readings of gravity
fluctuations from the singularity.
Kirk: Red alert! Shields up, Mr. Sulu. Lt. Uhura, open hailing
frequencies...(stands, straightens uniform over belly) This is
Captain James T. Kirk of the--
Spock: Sir, it is only a natural phenomenon...
Kirk: Oh... Cancel red alert. Maintain ready status.
Chekov: Keptin Kirk! SOmething has just activated my long range sensors--
eet's some kind of wessel!
Spock: Confirmed, Captain.
Kirk: Red alert! (throws Spock an 'I told you so' look) Sulu, go to
full magnification! Uhura, open--
Uhura: Hailing frequencies already open sir. Broadcasting friendship
messages in all languages.
Spock: Fascinating! (looks up from viewer) Jim--it's the Enterprise!
(INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE)
CAPTAIN'S LOG, SUPPLEMENTAL
After being pulled into the naked singularity, we find ourselves powerless
and drifting towards another ship, which if our sensors were working,
we could identify...
Picard: any word on that ship yet?
Data: No, sir. We will not be close enough for visual contact for another
two minutes, three sec--
Picard: LaForge, get down to the lounge and see if you can tell what it
LaForge: Aye, Sir.
Picard: Oh, and Engsign Crusher?
Picard: Shut up!
(Wes looks confused yet again)
Data: Sir, I wish to report something strange...
Data: Is that not the word? (furrows brow, looking at his nose while
thinking) Abormal? Irregular? Biza--
Data: Oh, yes. Sir, this may sound highly irregular, but computer com-
parisons of the ship library's astronomical charts with current sensor
readings would seem to indicate that we have travelled back in time.
Data: They were not. However, due to time limitations placed on us by
the writers, we had to skip a few minor details.
Riker: Are you saying we're no longer in the present as we know it?
[voice]: LaForge to Bridge! Captain, this is going to sound bogus, but
I see the Enterprise!
Riker: Way to go, Geordi! Who gave you your sight back this time?
[voice]: Sir? Not this Enterprise, but the old one! The old Constitution
Yar: Confirmed, sir! We're being hailed in all the old Federation friend-
Picard: What??? Any suggestions?
Riker: Might as well see what they want. Troi, are you feeling anything?
Troi: Not at the moment; (switches to Riker's mental wavelength) but that
doesn't mean I won't later, Amzadi...
Picard: On visual, Lieutenant.
(a stocky, sandy-haired man who is obviously on a diet appears. Standing
behind him is a tall, lean Vulcan whose hands are apparently cuffed behind
"...This is Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We are on a
peaceful mission! Explain who you are, or we will open fire!"
Picard (to Yar): Broadcast on all frequencies, in all languages...
(INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE)
Captain's Log, supplemental:
A highly advanced alien ship has seemingly surrendered to us for no
apparent reason. Partly due to this, and partly because the alien vessel
so closely resembles our own, Mr. Spock has advised extreme caution.
Question: Is this some kind of mind control? Are we being made to see
images and forms that are familiar to us to lull us into complacency?
The lives of 430 crewmen depend on my decisions. On.... my....
Kirk: We have not asked for a surrender! Only that you identify
yourselves and state your purpose..
[This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the starship USS Enterprise. Our
mission is peaceful-- ]
Kirk: Waitaminnut! *This* is the Enterprise!
[In *your* time period, Captain. You see, we are from your future.
Somehow, we must get back. Do you have any suggestions?]
Kirk: My 1st officer and I will take it under consideration. Please
(screen blanks out)
Scotty: Captain! Did ye see thot- a Klingon on thot ship! If they are
from our future, let's put 'em oot o' their misery!
Kirk: One moment, Mr. Scott. Spock? I do believe your eyebrow betrays
your highly emotional state!
Spock: Really? I see no need to insult me; I merely was attempting to
scratch my forehead against my bangs so as not to expend the energy
involved in raising my arm. However, I feel I should point out that if
indeed there is an advanced alien culture aboard that vessel, and if
they wanted to appear in a form familiar to us, they would either have
to read our thoughts or scan the ship's records. Without such knowledge,
they would have no pattern on which to base their deception. Ship's
sensors would have alerted us to any scans, though I have detected some
kind of telepathic activity coming from the alien ship.
McCoy: Damn your Vulcan logic! If they were going to go through all the
trouble of disguising themselves, then why not look just like us? Why
these differences, like Klingons on a Federation ship? The wrong colors
on the uniforms?? A less-than-perfect copy of the Enterprise??? I'll
tell you why; they're mistakes! These new writers don't have what it
takes, time or talent, and as a result we're just going to skip over
the whole thing because we have to move along and can't involve
ourselves minor details like continuity!
Spock: Captain, I suggest the best course of action would be beaming over
to the alien ship for direct observation. We have not yet used the
transporter this episode, and I would like the opportunity to study the
highly advanced computer they possess; ours doesn't "tick."
Kirk: Good idea! Uhura...?
Uhura (sighs): Aye, sir....on visual..
Kirk: Due to the complexity of the situation, perhaps it would be best if
my first officer and I beamed over to your ship...
Picard (to person offscreen): Suggestions? Will it violate the Prime
Riker (offscreen): Sir, their Prime Directive is our Prime Directive...
Picard: Good! Then no harm is done! (to Kirk) Very well. You have our
coordinates. Make it so!
Kirk: Excellent! We'll beam over in 5 minutes. Kirk out!....
Kirk: Scotty, can you beam us over?
Scott: No sir! Whot with this singularity beasties' effect an' all, it'll
be 2 hours before we ken even transport a fly!
Kirk: Scotty, I want that transporter working in 5 minutes!!
Scott (sighs also): Aye, sir...
Kirk: If one more person sighs heavily because I make an unreasonable
demand, I'll put that person in the brig!!! (hits no button in particular
on his chair's arm) Security?
[voice]: Blue Moon Detective Agency!
Do aliens hate you;
Tribbles berate you?
Is your tricorder missing;
Your Yeoman not kissing?
Then give us a call-
We'll take the fall!
Kirk: Security, send two men to the transporter room. I want them there
in 5 minutes!!
[voice]: (sigh!) Aye, sir. I'll see if they're in their office...
(cut to shot of transporter room)
(security guard enters)
Kirk: Yeoman Kyle, you have the coordinates. Beam us over safely and
maybe I'll have that big picture on the wall you've been staring at for
3 seasons changed... (turns, examines guard) I thought I sent for two
Guard: Addison, Ensign David Addison, sir. There should be two of us, but
my partner is on maternity leave, and I think I'm on the wrong set...
Kirk: Hmmm... Only one guard. Can you handle a phaser?
Guard: Ha! Do Klingons clingeth? Do Thesaurians thesaureth? Do you and
Kirk: All right! I get the picture! We'll take you along, but first you
have to trade shirts with me!
Guard: Sir? Is this like Twister?
Kirk: You heard me! Apparently,
their security division color is mustard-gold, and if you think I'm
beaming over in a security color uniform...
Guard: Aye, sir..
(Removes shirt. Kirk gets in a fight offscreen and has his forcibly
removed. Hands dirty tatters to Addison.)
Kirk: And another thing: get rid of those.... (waves hand towards
Addison's head) .....those whatever!
Guard: Awww... Not my Ray-Bans! If the brothers in Philly ever see me
(the three men step onto the platform)
(Reality swirls. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and the security guard materialize
on the new Bridge.)
Kirk: Hey! I thought there were only three of us!
McCoy: It's those damn fool writers again!
(Picard steps forward)
Picard: I'm Captain Jean Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise, number
Picard: Yes, Captain. You see, although in reality this is only the third
Enterprise, it was decided to skip "B" and "C" and name it in your
Kirk: My honor? But what happened to the original Enterprise?
Picard: You blew it up!
Kirk: I what??
McCoy: Jim! Before you call this man a liar, just think of your record!
Your habits! The risks you take!!
Kirk: Well,... what about the 2nd one?
Picard: Let's just say you're consistent....
Kirk: Oh...... But why "D?" Why not "t?"
Riker (tries to look like Kirk): They already used that in *my* name,
sir. No, they chose a most unusual method for picking the "D." Data?
Data: To honor your statement "The Enterprise is a beautiful lady, and we
love her," Starfleet historians went back and obtained the bra cup size
of every woman, and alien, you ever kissed. The average was obtained,
and appended to the number for the Enterprise. Hence, "1701-D."
(Kirk looks innocently about. McCoy rocks on his heels. Spock
Kirk: I'm...... honored, I suppose.
Picard: Ah! But I'm neglectful, certainly! Allow me to introduce my
Bridge crew. Any suggestions as to what order, anyone? No, never mind;
Let's throw caution to the wind! My first, William Riker (primps); 2nd-
in-command Lt Cmndr Data; ship's counselor, Deanna Troi (Kirk's eyes
twinkle- Troi blushes, breathes faster); security chief Yar (now Kirk
breathes faster- Troi receives impressions of the number "3");
Lt. LaForge, our blind navigator (Spock raises eyebrow); and Lt. Worf,
whose exact duties have never been revealed...
Kirk: Worf?? He looks familiar. Bones?
(McCoy walks over, passes med-scanner over Worf.)
McCoy: Jim! This man is a Klingon!!
(Security guard raises phaser, but is blown away by Yar and Worf.)
McCoy (passes scanner over guard): He's dead, Jim!
LaForge: Well, now ABC has a chance to find someone that Cybill can work
Kirk: That man! He was one of my crew!
Data: A most appropriate choice of tense, Captain.
Kirk: Only 429 lives left! And I'm responsible for them!! I'm.....
Responsible!! My.... decisions!!!
(INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE)
Captain's Log, Stardate 3714.9
After beaming over to the strange "alien" vessel which claims to come
from our future, we are greeted by humanoid life forms, one of which is
a Klingon. This fact has already cost me the life of one of my crew. I'm
saddened, but yet I feel a strange sense of elation at having had the
foresight to change uniforms...
Medical Log, Leonard McCoy reporting:
He's dead, Jim. And I'll tell you something else; there isn't any reason
he shouldn't be! He's just not alive anymore, and there's not a damn
thing I can do to change it!
Kirk: One of my men is dead! How many more must die before you've had
Picard: On the contrary, Captain! It was one of your 23rd Century savages
who attacked for no reason! It's hard to believe we were once as
primitive as you...
(the two men continue the argument, oblivious to Yar and Worf, who are
still attacking the body)
Kirk: The Klingons are our sworn enemy!
Picard: *Were* your sworn enemy!
Kirk: My man was just doing what any other man would have done in his
position. And for someone who calls us savages, I find it highly
irregular that "civilized" beings like yourselves would carry weapons
on the Bridge!
(McCoy sees Yar and Worf)
McCoy: Stop it!.... Stop it!! You just don't keep hacking away at a man
after he's down!!
Picard: Lieutenant Yar, report!
Yar: (stands, faces Picard) Speaking strictly as Security Chief, just how
much can you trust a dead person on the Bridge?
Worf: I'm a Klingon, sir. I live for this--
Picard: Not on my Bridge, you won't! (turns to Kirk) I assume you'd like
to return your man to your ship?
Kirk: Yes, thank you. (flips open communicator) Kirk to Enterprise, come
[Voice]: Enterprise! Scott here...
Kirk: Mr. Scott, there's been an accident over here; we've lost another
[Voice]: Och! Thot'll be the fifth this week!
Kirk: I know, Scotty. One to beam over; better put the ship on Yellow
Alert. Kirk out.
(body dematerializes; Worf becomes visibly down-hearted)
Picard: I'm sorry about your man. If it's any consolation, he wasn't the
father; it was Sam's baby...
Kirk: Death... is never justifiable...
Troi: I know how you feel, Captain.
Kirk: Do you, Counselor? Do you really know what it's like to be
responsible for the live of 430--
Data: Four hundred and twenty-nine, sir.
Kirk: --429 men and women??
Troi: Sir, I am half Betazoid. I can sense strong emotions and feelings.
Your sense of loss is most intense; it is difficult not to feel it...
Spock: (to Kirk) Undoubtably the source of the telepathy I perceived
earlier coming from this ship, Captain.
Troi: Strange. You appear to be Vulcan, yet I sense some emotions in you!
McCoy: What's the matter, Spock? Slipping?
Spock: No, Doctor. As you are well aware, I possess a Human half that is
sometimes difficult to control. I hope to someday purge all emotions and
embrace total logic, thus achieving Kolinahr.
McCoy: Well, just so long as you change your pants after you achieve it...
Data: (to Spock) Most unusual. We are very much alike, you and I, yet you
state your desire to suppress your Human tendencies. I, on the other hand,
wish I could become more Human.
Kirk: You mean you're not?
Data: No, sir. I am an android. A computer. A --
Kirk: You're a machine?? And you're second in command??
Data: I'm also in several bio-mechanical texts.
Riker: It's Starfleet's policy never to discriminate against any sentient
life form. Mr. Data has never failed any test for sentience. I might add
that all Academy graduates are required to be sentient.
Yar: A pity your security details never had to pass these tests! Maybe if
they had, you would have a Chief of Security...
Data: (aside, to Kirk) Ask me sometime about the advantages of having a
Chief of Security...
McCoy: So! Is that what it's come to! Machines taking over for man, just
because they can think faster? Well, I don't buy it! There are just some
things a machine can't do!! I'd name 'em, but there are children watching
Data: But sir! I *am* fully functional.
Troi: Tasha? Why do I sense embarrassment??
(Kirk's communicator beeps)
Beep, Beep!! [-- special effects
(He answers it)
Kirk: Kirk here. What is it, Scotty?
[Voice]: Sir? This is Lt. Uhura; Mr.Scott is in engineering.
Kirk: Engineering? But I left Scotty in charge! What's wrong? What's going
on on my ship??
[Voice]: I don't know, sir. We're losing power, and we don't know why!
Captain... I'm frightened!!
Spock: Spock here. Mr. Sulu, at what rate is the Enterprise losing power?
[Another Voice]: We're down to 80% power, but the drain is increasing
geometrically. We have maybe (static)ve more hours at (more static) lose
all power and are pulled into the (even more static) ...source is the
alien (complete static)......
Kirk: Sulu! (taps communicator) Mr.Sulu!! Can you read me?
McCoy: It's dead, Jim! I can't get anything on mine, either!
Kirk: Well, it looks like we're here for awhile. (turns to Picard) But
what concerns me is why you're draining energy from my ship!
Picard: I assure you, we are doing no such thing!
Spock: Yours is the only ship in the area; it is only logical to assume
it is the source of the power drain. If your ship is not the source,
then what is?
Picard: Hmmm... Good idea! Suggestions, anyone?
Spock: Perhaps if we spoke with your chief engineer...
Picard: I'm afraid that's not possible.
Kirk: That's my ship losing power over there, mister! You better make it
Picard: No, you don't understand. We don't *have* a chief engineer.
Picard: That's usually my line, Doctor. (to Kirk) You see, there just
wasn't anybody cast in the role of chief engineer. The writers gave us
a Chief of Security instead.
McCoy: So what do you do now? Kill off engineers instead of security?
Riker: (says eagerly) Well, the only person to be killed so far has been
Kirk: You mean to tell me that someday, the Federation will put Klingons
on the Bridge, arm their Bridge crews, kill off engineers instead of
security guards, and place machines in the chain of command??
LaForge: You forgot the part about letting a blind person drive the
(Troi steps forward, wobbles a little)
Troi: I.... I sense.... I...
(Troi collapses. McCoy and Riker rush over)
Picard: (hits communicator on chest) Bridge to Sick Bay! Medical Alert!
Dr.Crusher to the Bridge!!
[Voice]: I'm on my way!
Picard: Does anyone have ideas as to why Counselor Troi collapsed?
Riker: Unknown at this moment, Captain.
McCoy: She seems to be suffering from some virus. It might be communicable!
Spock: Sir, if that is the case, the Bridge personnel should be quarantined.
Picard: I'll do no such thing! As you know, we do things a bit
differently in the 24th Century. (turns to face Bridge Crew) LaForge?
You got to spread the virus last time; whose turn is it now?
Yar: Mine, sir.
Picard: Very well. Make sure you miss no one! Remember: it's vital that
as many people as possible get sick in as short a time as possible. We
haven't had any good dramatic tension since the security guard was killed.
Yar: Aye, aye, sir.
(she moves off and begins kissing everyone as Dr. Crusher comes onto
(Crusher passes scanner over Troi)
Crusher: Oh, my God... Oh, my God!...
Picard: What? What??
Crusher: It's some virus I've never seen before!
Riker: Is there an antidote of any kind?
Crusher: Like I said, I've never seen it before. I'll be lucky to come up
with a vaccine in time, *if* there's a vaccine! Judging by it's rate of
progress, you all have 3 hours to live!!
Kirk: "You" have 3 hours? Don't you mean "We?"
Crusher: I meant "You;" I never catch any of the illnesses I treat, or
don't you watch the show? (turns to Picard) Three hours at best, Captain...
I'LL MISS YOU, JEAN LUC....
(INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE)
Captain's Log, supplemental:
A deadly virus has appeared aboard the Enterprise. Unless Dr.Crusher
can come up with an antidote in 3 hours, we will all die! Meanwhile, the
mysterious power drain continues to affect the other Enterprise. Security
is investigating, as the source of the drain appears to be on this ship!
Picard: What are the symptoms, Doctor?
Crusher: I don't know, sir.
Picard: Well, can you isolate it?
Crusher: Again, I don't know!
Picard: Then if you know nothing about it, how can you predict that we
have only three hours left to live??
Crusher: I don't know, sir! I just looked at my tricorder, and that's what
it said! Oh, I suppose I can take some blood samples or run some tests,
but beyond that, I just don't know, Jean Luc!!
Picard: Good work, Doctor! Make it so!
Spock: (under his breath) As I have always maintained, members of the
medical profession would do better to employ the use of beads and
Kirk: What's that, Mr.Spock?
Spock: I said, based on the doctor's investigation and evaluation of the
virus, I would venture to say that Doctor McCoy's medical methods were,
for some reason, widely adopted among Starfleet personnel. Perhaps in
order to effect some method of population control..
McCoy: That's enough, Spock! Can't you see? This woman relies too much on
a machine and not on her human intuition! And you're not the one to use
human intuition, are you? You pointy-eared logic circuit! Why, if I
Kirk: That's enough, Bones; Spock! We have only a few hours left. I
suggest we use them wisely.
Data: Two hours, fifty-five minutes and 17 seconds, sir.
McCoy: (to Kirk) Kinda reminds you of someone, doesn't he?? (thumbs his
head at Spock)
Kirk: Bones, why don't you see what you can figure out about this virus!
Picard: I assure you, Captain! Dr. Crusher is most competent..
Kirk: If you don't mind, Dr.McCoy will proceed nonetheless.
Picard: Do you distrust my Chief Medical Officer?
Kirk: Just what would you do in my position? I'm on board a plague ship
with a clueless albeit attractive CMO who is on first name terms with
the Captain. Both parties continually exchange furtive glances, not to
mention the doubt surrounding the parentage of the only child on board
who is allowed access to the Bridge!
Picard: Hmmmm... Quite so! (looks around) Has anyone seen Wesley?
(Everyone looks around, but he's not there)
Picard: Computer? Tell me the location of Wesley Crusher!
[Computer]: The boy?
Picard: Yes! The Boy!
[Computer]: The boy is in Engineering, section 6. Have a nice day!
Picard: Bridge to Engineering! Is Wesley there?
[Voice]: The boy? Yes, he's here. One moment...
[Whine]: Yes, Fath-- er, Captain Picard?
Picard: Is that you Wesley?
[Whine]: Yes, sir!
Picard: Good. Shut up! Bridge out!
Worf: Sir! Sensors indicate the other Enterprise's orbit is beginning to
fluctuate! It's as if their controls were sluggish...
Riker: Have they lost all power?
Worf: No, sir. Power loss seems to have leveled off. They are at 15% power.
Kirk: Fifteen percent? But that's barely enough for life support and
helm control! The lives of --
Picard: Yes, yes, we know!
Spock: Fascinating! It's as if the source of the power drain knew the
precise level of power the Enterprise could be lowered to and yet
maintain control of vital functions..
Kirk: So you're saying the Enterprise shouldn't lose anymore power?
Spock: Read my lips, Jim! I believe I inferred as much. The only logical
question that remains is what will the stolen power be used for?
Riker: And don't forget; we need to know who's taking it!
Kirk: Anything else, Spock?
Spock: Affirmative. Why has no one else succumbed to the virus?
Picard: Good point! Comment, anyone?
Riker: I feel fine, sir!
Data: As do I, sir.
LaForge: Me too, sir.
Picard: Well, I think it's safe to say that if Counselor Troi were here,
she would say that she feels that we feel fine!
Riker: Makes "sense", sir.
Picard: Bridge to Sickbay! Doctor Crusher, why has no one else been
[Voice]: I don't know, sir!... Damn! Where are all those wise sayings we
doctors are supposed to say at times like these?
Picard: Doctor!... Beverly,... get a hold of yourself! It's all right!
[Voice]: (sniffle) Thanks, Jean Luc...
[Another Voice]: Jim? McCoy here! I think I have it! It's not a virus
Kirk: What do you mean, Bones?
[Another Voice]: If it's all right with you, I'll explain it when I come
up to the Bridge for the final scene...
Kirk: Okay, but make it fast!
[Yet Another Voice]: Engineering to Bridge!
Picard: This is the Bridge. Go ahead..
[Y. A. Voice]: Sir, Chief Engineer No. 3,814 here, sir. We've figured out
a way to get back, sir!
Picard: Excellent! To whom do we owe our gratitude?
[Voice]: He's on his way to the Bridge now, sir..
(At this point, the turbolift doors open. Wesley steps out.)
LaForge (to himself): Oh, no! Not again!
Picard: Ensign Crusher! I thought you were in Engineering?
Wes: I was, sir. But seeing as how I finished the modifications to the
warp engines necessary to return the ship to our time--
Picard: You did what??
Riker: It's my fault, sir. He's my responsibility; I should have kept a
closer eye on him! (Advances towards Wes)
Picard: One moment, Will! First, I want to find out what he did to my
ship! Report, Wesley!
Wes: Well, sir, all I had to do was modify the power output of the warp
engines. But in order to do this, I had to borrow some extra power. The
only other source was the other Enterprise.
Kirk: You mean you're responsible for what crippled my ship?? You nearly
killed almost 430 men and women!!
Wes: Sir, I knew what I was doing. I called up the records on your ship,
though it was a little confusing as to just which ship you're using at
the moment. I found out the critical threshold of energy depletion for
your ship, and from there I just borrowed the rest. You can always
Kirk: You just don't go and "borrow" energy from a starship!!
Spock: Not true, Captain, since apparently he has done it.
Picard: Captain, please!! (to Wes, sweetly) Wesley, do you mean to say we
can return home now?
Wes: Yes, sir.
Picard: Good. Then shut up!!
(once again, the turbolift doors open. McCoy, Crusher, and Troi step onto
McCoy: Jim, I'm beginning to believe I can cure anything!
Kirk: Report, Bones!
McCoy: Well, the whole problem started with an incorrect diagnosis! It
wasn't a virus at all!!
Kirk: Yes, I believe you said something about that earlier..
McCoy: You see, Jim, if it was a virus, it would have spread! But instead,
only Troi got sick! It was only after I found out that she's a hyper-
sensitive that I realized what caused the illness!
Kirk: Well?... What caused it?
McCoy: Think about it! Troi didn't get sick until we arrived. We caused
Picard: But you said it wasn't a virus!
McCoy: And it's not! It's the writing, the scripts!... The Writers!!!
Kirk: Yes, yes- they control everything, but even they haven't given a
good reason for only Troi becoming sick..
McCoy: They don't have to!
Crusher: Captain, it's like back in the 21st Century--
Picard: Those were savage times!
Crusher: --when half the population was starving. Even when they finally
got food, they couldn't eat it too quickly without getting sick!
Kirk: I still don't understand how that explains the illness.
Spock: Most interesting! You are saying that the appearance of your vessel
in our time is causing your illness because you are used to bad writing.
Our beaming over only aggravated the problem further...
McCoy: And that's why Troi Collapsed! Being so perceptive, so sensitive,
it was just too much for her to take!!
Kirk: She seems to be fine now..
McCoy: That's because she left the Bridge and went to Sickbay- the place
where one of the most incompetent, shallow and unbelievable characters on
this ship works. She'll be all right once we leave, but prolonged exposure
to good writing could kill her!
(Thousands of viewers can be heard screaming, "Stay for a while! Stay on the
Picard: And once you return to your ship, we can return to our proper
Kirk: That's it? As simple as that?
Picard: I'm afraid so, Captain. The new writers are used to rushing the
Kirk (answers communicator): Kirk here!
[Voice]: Scott here; we're beaming ye back!
Kirk: But I gave no such order!
[Voice]: Sorry, sir! But we're under time constraints, and I canna take
enna more of this episode!
Kirk: Scotty! You've got to give me a few minutes. Just a few, and I need
[Voice]: Sorry, sir. I'm under orders!
(Kirk, Spock and McCoy dematerialize)
Picard: Well, I'm glad *they're* gone, eh No.1?
Riker: Yes, sir! I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever get back to our
rushed dialogue and plot...
Picard: Agreed! Mr. LaForge? Lay in a course back to our own time! Warp
LaForge: Aye, aye, sir. Course plotted... and laid in, sir.
(The Enterprise revs up, stretches, pops like a rubber band, and
disappears in a very realistic flash of light.)
(INSERT COMMERCIAL HERE)
Captain's Log, Stardate 3715.0
The ship from our future has been gone for almost one hour. Gone with
it is any trace of the naked singularity we had been investigating. As
is usual for the end of a crisis, I have called Dr.McCoy to the Bridge
to engage in idle speculation, pointless banter, and maybe even a brief
Kirk: I still don't understand it, Bones. It all just happened so quickly.
McCoy: Jim, I keep telling you- it's not your fault! The writers of that
century are just-.... well, they're just bad! They even forgot to leave
in the singularity for the last scene!
Spock (turning at his station): I disagree, Doctor. It was most logical
for the singularity to disappear when the future Enterprise vanished.
McCoy: Oh, no! I should have known it! The writers have gotten to Spock!
Spock (ignoring McCoy): You see, Jim, the singularity was essentially a
"rip" in the fabric of the universe. Some tremendous strain, existing
both in their time and ours, was too great for the normal space-time
continuum to bear.
Kirk: So what was it, Spock? What caused the strain in the first place?
Spock: I believe Doctor McCoy is best qualified to explain that, sir.
Vulcans do not engage in television criticism...
McCoy: It was us, Jim!
Kirk: Come on, Bones! We've never travelled to the future!!
McCoy: True; not personally. But consider all those plots that have been
lifted from our series and used in theirs!
Kirk: Ahhhhh!.... So the removing of not just one, but many, many events
in our present to their future caused the strain which "ripped" the
Spock: Quite correct, Captain. Perhaps if they had used only a few, the
strain would have had no effect, but as they used so many...
Kirk: Well, I still don't understand why the singularity disappeared.
Aren't we still in our present? Aren't they back in the future? Wouldn't
the strain still be there??
Spock: Unknown, Captain. Perhaps our appearance in some way motivated
their writers to be more original.
Kirk: Well, in any case, it's like I've always said...
(entire Bridge crew grimaces in anticipation)
McCoy: Yes, Jim?
Kirk: Even though this show is a timeless classic, it will never be
duplicated in another time period.
(the whole Bridge starts giggling and laughing)
Kirk: Ha, ha!
Sulu: Ho, ho!
Checkov: Wery funny!
Spock: ([-- Vulcan laughter)
Kirk (Holding side): Mr Sulu? Plot a course for rendezvous with the
Yorktown; We have some vaccines to deliver. Maximum warp!
Sulu: Aye, aye, sir!
(music fades in as Enterprise moves away)
(Picture fades to black)
Well, the entire thing was written by Glen Colby, who doesn't mind if
copies are passed around, just so long as this little credit stays on at the end.